We took the plunge.
We bought the meds.
We are officially poor again!
Oy, I've spent the last ten years saving for a "house." Well, hopefully that house is going to look like a fat, naked baby that I pop out of my hoo-ha. I am now an expert on administering injections on myself. I stab myself four times a day.
It's kind of like a baby advent calendar.
Each day that passes is like I'm opening a tiny window, only, instead of a piece of cheap, waxy chocolate, I treat myself to about 5 Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Cups. They are the devil. But truly, it feels like each time I'm poking myself with my fancy, ritzy, rich lady medication, I'm counting down to the day where I might actually get to meet my baby. Checking off days on a calendar has never felt so exciting.
My belly looks like the surface of the moon. It's been bashed and bruised and generally effed up. I have to go on a hunt each day to find a spot that isn't full of nerve endings or bruises.
And I couldn't be happier!
Honestly. In many of my posts, I feel hopeless. Now I am full of hope. I am responding well to medications (I'm above average in all categories: size of my follicles, number of my follicles, amount of smiles I give to nurses in the office and level of patience with blood draws).
It's not fun, really, to prick yourself, but I'm trying to look at the glass as half full. Pretty soon, they are going to take me to their alien spaceship and steal my eggs, and then the real waiting game can begin. Right now I have the feeling that as long as I inject myself correctly and do what they tell me, I'm in CONTROL. That's big for me. I know I'm not fully in control. Anyone who thinks they are is an idiot, but at least I feel like I can help this stupid situation.
I'm going to ride this pointy wave all the way into next week when I go for my egg retrieval. Who knows, maybe the BEST will happen.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Gettin' all Chuck Norris on my uterus. . .
On New Year's Day, I moped around my apartment and had a long conversation with my dog. I knew that if anything was going to change as far as my husband and I becoming parents, I needed to do something, and fast.
Obviously, we're all different, and age 35 is not a cliff we are all running towards in regards to our fertility, but as it's 2014, and I'll be hitting 34, the concern is certainly there for the future of a family that we can create "by ourselves."
I was on a break from work, so I had a lot of time to get all up in my head and freak myself out. I had time to contemplate the "ins and outs" of what our next steps would look like. I considered everything from IVF to adoption to not having kids at all and raising golden retrievers and traveling the world. The thing that I often forget is that the conversations that happen in my head don't happen in my husbands simultaneously. I mean, sometimes it SEEMS like we're the same person with the exact same thoughts, but as it turns out, we do not have telepathy. Bummer. After thinking deeply about what I wanted for our future, I was excited that the next day was Saturday, and we'd be able to have a nice talk about the exciting possibilities that lie ahead of us.
You know, the decision that I had made for us.
My husband was less enthused to hear of this, and at first, I did not understand how he could not be 100% behind the idea of starting IVF treatments, it made so much sense. After some time passed and I let my emotions subside, I realized he was not being unsupportive, but he was trying to wrap his head around the idea. It took me years to come to this conclusion, and I was expecting him to understand my point of view with a hour long conversation.
I should point out that I'm a very lucky lady who has a very supportive husband. I know that I'm lucky. I can't imagine being in this situation with anyone else. I never feel blamed (I do enough of that myself), and I feel like he's in my corner, preparing me for the big fight.
Enough sappiness. Back to the story.
We met with the doctor and ran some baseline tests. Here's the thing: infertility treatment is kind of a bitch. I'm not really sure what's going on with my hormone levels, but at the beginning of all of this, my AMH level started at 1.2, then it was 2.1, and now, it's 8.3. The first two tests would indicate that I am at the at risk end of not having enough eggs to ever conceive on my own, but the 8.3? What?! That's in the normal range. There must be some mix up, that can't be my blood. I'm hearing more and more that AMH can be a volatile hormone, but then, why put any weight on it? Is this really how we're determining who needs IVF? More research, please!
Anyway, we decided to start right away. Here's the part where I get all Norma Rae on you. You MUST be your own advocate! If you think something is not right, you need to be the one to call. As nice as my nurses and doctors are, I am still a patient to keep track of. I'm not saying that I feel like a number, because I don't. I just know that people are human, and mistakes are going to be made.
For example: If you are going through fertility treatment, more than likely you've heard of the Attain program. The problem here is that you are dependent on someone else to submit the application for you. This should take all of a matter of moments for them to do when they fax it. However, if you meet with the person who faxes the info over on the day they are leaving for vacation, and you don't hear from Attain for over a week, you should call your doctor's office and ask someone to verify that the Attain program has received your info. The people at Attain are very nice and supportive, and very understanding, but it's a stress you don't want to deal with, especially on the day that you also have to purchase all of your medication.
TIP: If you are planning to pay for your own treatment, but your credit card company won't up your limit, ask them if you can overcharge your card. Shockingly, we were able to put three times the amount of our limit on our card. Of course, I wouldn't recommend this if you are going to gradually pay it off, since the interest rate is so high, but if you have a special account for this sort of thing, and you need just need to transfer it to your credit card, go get those travel points!
Now, let's talk meds. My husband and I are in the minority, I believe, when we decided to pay for this all out of pocket. Our reasoning is that we could either pay back a company more than what we borrowed, or pay ourselves back at no extra cost. It's hard to say goodbye to all of those hard earned dollars, but we'd be saying goodbye to even more if we financed. When it comes to medication, talk to your doctor's office about the fact that you are paying out of pocket. As soon as I mentioned that, I was able to get about $900 worth of meds for free from samples. Also ask your doctor/nurse if there are any coupons, particularly for Gonal-F rediject pens. They are quite pricey, and every little bit helps!
This is just a bump in the road for us, but we will be fine. It all works out how it should!
Obviously, we're all different, and age 35 is not a cliff we are all running towards in regards to our fertility, but as it's 2014, and I'll be hitting 34, the concern is certainly there for the future of a family that we can create "by ourselves."
I was on a break from work, so I had a lot of time to get all up in my head and freak myself out. I had time to contemplate the "ins and outs" of what our next steps would look like. I considered everything from IVF to adoption to not having kids at all and raising golden retrievers and traveling the world. The thing that I often forget is that the conversations that happen in my head don't happen in my husbands simultaneously. I mean, sometimes it SEEMS like we're the same person with the exact same thoughts, but as it turns out, we do not have telepathy. Bummer. After thinking deeply about what I wanted for our future, I was excited that the next day was Saturday, and we'd be able to have a nice talk about the exciting possibilities that lie ahead of us.
You know, the decision that I had made for us.
My husband was less enthused to hear of this, and at first, I did not understand how he could not be 100% behind the idea of starting IVF treatments, it made so much sense. After some time passed and I let my emotions subside, I realized he was not being unsupportive, but he was trying to wrap his head around the idea. It took me years to come to this conclusion, and I was expecting him to understand my point of view with a hour long conversation.
I should point out that I'm a very lucky lady who has a very supportive husband. I know that I'm lucky. I can't imagine being in this situation with anyone else. I never feel blamed (I do enough of that myself), and I feel like he's in my corner, preparing me for the big fight.
Enough sappiness. Back to the story.
We met with the doctor and ran some baseline tests. Here's the thing: infertility treatment is kind of a bitch. I'm not really sure what's going on with my hormone levels, but at the beginning of all of this, my AMH level started at 1.2, then it was 2.1, and now, it's 8.3. The first two tests would indicate that I am at the at risk end of not having enough eggs to ever conceive on my own, but the 8.3? What?! That's in the normal range. There must be some mix up, that can't be my blood. I'm hearing more and more that AMH can be a volatile hormone, but then, why put any weight on it? Is this really how we're determining who needs IVF? More research, please!
Anyway, we decided to start right away. Here's the part where I get all Norma Rae on you. You MUST be your own advocate! If you think something is not right, you need to be the one to call. As nice as my nurses and doctors are, I am still a patient to keep track of. I'm not saying that I feel like a number, because I don't. I just know that people are human, and mistakes are going to be made.
For example: If you are going through fertility treatment, more than likely you've heard of the Attain program. The problem here is that you are dependent on someone else to submit the application for you. This should take all of a matter of moments for them to do when they fax it. However, if you meet with the person who faxes the info over on the day they are leaving for vacation, and you don't hear from Attain for over a week, you should call your doctor's office and ask someone to verify that the Attain program has received your info. The people at Attain are very nice and supportive, and very understanding, but it's a stress you don't want to deal with, especially on the day that you also have to purchase all of your medication.
TIP: If you are planning to pay for your own treatment, but your credit card company won't up your limit, ask them if you can overcharge your card. Shockingly, we were able to put three times the amount of our limit on our card. Of course, I wouldn't recommend this if you are going to gradually pay it off, since the interest rate is so high, but if you have a special account for this sort of thing, and you need just need to transfer it to your credit card, go get those travel points!
Now, let's talk meds. My husband and I are in the minority, I believe, when we decided to pay for this all out of pocket. Our reasoning is that we could either pay back a company more than what we borrowed, or pay ourselves back at no extra cost. It's hard to say goodbye to all of those hard earned dollars, but we'd be saying goodbye to even more if we financed. When it comes to medication, talk to your doctor's office about the fact that you are paying out of pocket. As soon as I mentioned that, I was able to get about $900 worth of meds for free from samples. Also ask your doctor/nurse if there are any coupons, particularly for Gonal-F rediject pens. They are quite pricey, and every little bit helps!
This is just a bump in the road for us, but we will be fine. It all works out how it should!
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